Hey, married couples—want to spice it up in the bedroom? F is for free-ranging fingertips...K is for kissing, Hollywood-style...N is for naughty videos! If you want to know how to have good sex, read on for more tips—one for each letter of the alphabet.
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Jump-start your love life with these tips to rekindle the passion
Remember sex?
Could your sex life use a boost? Maybe you'd like to rediscover a stronger connection with your partner, deepen your own sexual self-awareness, or just have more fun in bed. The Prevention Sex Jump Start—two weeks' worth of ideas from the country's leading sexual health doctors, researchers, and counselors—can help you make sex a priority again.
"Between iPhones, kids, and worrying about money, for many women, sex has become just one more thing to stress about or squeeze in," says Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist in Cambridge, MA, and author of The Return of Desire. In fact, almost 60% of Prevention readers say they are not totally satisfied with their sex lives, according to our survey of thousands of women.
The solution? Talk to your partner about the plan. There's no need to follow it verbatim—just pick the tips that inspire both of you, and dedicate the next two weeks to this vital aspect of your relationship. "You can't assume that romance will take care of itself or last forever—you have to work on it," says Sheryl Kingsberg, PhD, psychologist and chief of behavioral medicine, University Hospitals Case Medical Center and professor of reproductive biology at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine.
Try even just a few of the recommendations that follow, and we promise you'll feel a little healthier, happier, and more satisfied with your relationship and your sex life!
Day 1
Book some quality time with your partner. Tonight, find 10 to 15 quiet minutes to talk about the Jump Start and what each of you wants to get out of it. Take a walk after dinner or whisper about it before you turn out the lights. Continue to carve out this special time each night for the next two weeks. A daily check-in is one of the best ways to instantly feel more connected, says Mary Jo Rapini, a sex and relationship psychotherapist in Houston. (If more connection is what you really need, work these 10 things connected couples do into your Jump Start.)
Choose a sexy goal. While the ultimate aim of this plan is to improve your sex life, you’ll take away much more than that. "It's about changing your mind, body, and relationship," says Ogden. Do you want to get closer to your partner? Feel sexier? Find the courage to ask your partner to try something you've always wanted to do? Take your sex life to a new level? A 2008 study found that people who approach their relationships with positive goals like these had less of a dip in desire over time than those who didn't have any or who used negative, passive goals, such as "stop fighting with my partner."
Write down five features you really love about your body. A University of Texas study found that women with more body esteem had higher levels of sexual desire. Focus on physical traits that make you feel beautiful or sexy. More than 20% of women who took our sex survey said that embarrassment about their bodies prevented them from wanting sex, but most men are not nearly as focused on every little imperfection as you are. If your tummy isn't as flat as it used to be, who cares? Your partner's probably got a paunch too, and he's not letting it get in the way. (Only 5% of men who took our survey said body embarrassment lowered their libido.)
Day 2
Linger in bed this morning. Instead of leaping out when the alarm clock goes off, take 30 seconds to smile, cuddle, and gaze into each other's eyes. "It's an easy way to connect and acknowledge each other before the start of a busy day," says Ogden.
Have a long (kiss) good-bye. Chances are, a quick peck has become part of your morning routine, like brushing your teeth or brewing coffee. Instead, today have a longer, more passionate kiss. "Build more of these small, intimate moments into your day," says Kingsberg. (Up your kissability with this natural remedy for bad breath.)
Calm your mind with yoga. You don't need to be a seasoned yogi to reap its benefits for your sex life. Tree Pose, a balancing posture, teaches mindfulness, the idea of focusing only on the present, says Ellen Barrett, author of Sexy Yoga. "Most women's brains go to a million different places, even during sex," says Barrett. Learning how to focus your mind on truly one thing at a time can help you appreciate the physical and emotional sensations of sex and stop thinking about the three loads of laundry that need folding or the blinking iPhone on your nightstand. (These 9 Yoga Poses For Better Sex will put your mind and body in the mood.)
Wear something cute to bed. It doesn't have to be sexy lingerie, but don't throw on a ratty old T-shirt either. "This is a subtle way of not taking your partner for granted," says Kingsberg. "Create an atmosphere that says, 'I think we're worth it.'"
Day 3
Have morning sex. Even if you're tired, your breath feels stale, you want to get to work early—no excuses. Only 23% of women who took our sex survey said they usually have sex in the morning, and that's a mistake, according to Eva Cwynar, MD, an endocrinologist and assistant clinical professor of medicine at UCLA. "Biochemically speaking, it makes sense to have sex first thing in the morning," she says. "Cortisol is at its peak when you first wake up, so you have the energy to do it. Then afterward you release other hormones, like oxytocin, so you're in a good mood all day."
You don't need to wake up two hours early either—research shows most couples enjoy satisfying sex in just 7 to 13 minutes. Not in the mood? Do it anyway. Desire increases during intercourse (in a good vicious cycle kind of way). As you begin to feel turned on, your libido spikes and you feel that much more aroused.
Make your bedroom an oasis. You may not be able to dash off for a weekend getaway in a luxurious hotel, but you can mimic that vacation feeling at home, says Kingsberg: "It's harder to get turned on with stacks of bills next to your bed or kids' toys strewn all over." Get rid of the clutter, use your nicest sheets, make the bed every day. (Here are 10 more tips for a sexier bedroom.)
Heat up your nightly talk. During tonight's chat, talk about your sexual wish list. Novelty is good for your sex life, says Michael Krychman, MD, executive director of the Southern California Center for Sexual Health and Survivorship Medicine and director of sexual medicine at Hoag Hospital. "Very often, low libido is just related to boredom with your partner or what you are actually doing—sex has become a routine script that can be played out without much thought or emotion," he says. "Rewrite your sexual script so you're not doing the same things over and over." Talk about new positions, locales, toys, etc., that you're interested in trying during the Jump Start. (Need ideas? Here are 11 new sex positions to shake things up.)
Day 4
Book some quality time—with yourself. A Finnish study in the Journal of Sex Research found that self-esteem is an absolutely essential ingredient for great sex. To feel more comfortable—literally—in your own skin, spend some time exploring your body and what feels good. "Look at yourself in the mirror with or without clothing on," says Ogden. "Touch, pat, caress yourself in the shower—your breasts, thighs, genitals, hips." (Here are five more ways to love the body you have.)
Exchange sexy emails. Tonight you'll have a sensual touching session with your partner; e-mail him to let him know you're excited about it. See how he responds. (Just be sure to avoid these relationship text message mistakes.)
Make time for exercise. Exercisers have better sex than couch potatoes. A 2009 University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine study of women ages 41 to 68 found that they enjoyed sex more if they were physically active. "The better your health, the better your sexuality," says Kingsberg. "Exercise relieves stress, increases energy, and puts you in touch with your body. Plus, if you're in better shape and feel great, you'll want to share that with someone else." Aim for at least 20 to 30 minutes most days of the week. Don't have time? Try a 15-minute walk in the morning and another at the end of the day. (For more ideas, check out these 25 ways to squeeze in 10 minutes of exercise.)
Have a no-sex touching session. "Couples are way too focused on orgasm," says Rapini, who asks her patients to do this exercise where the emphasis is on feeling good and not climaxing. Get a feather and some massage oil and plan some time for sensual touching without intercourse two days a week. If you have kids, this is a great activity because it can be very quiet. "Massage, rub, explore each other—the goal is to feel more connected through touch," says Rapini. (May we suggest using this all-natural massage oil?)
Day 5
Pleasure yourself. "Some women think masturbation is taboo or they are ashamed of it, but there's no reason to be," says Rapini, who encourages her patients to masturbate 10 minutes a day a few times a week. Curious about how common it really is? Thirty-two percent of women who took our sex survey do it weekly, and 7% said they do it daily. "There are more than 10 million nerve sensors in the clitoris, and their only function is to help women feel good," says Rapini. "But you have to know what works for you." Spend a few more minutes in the shower this morning, or experiment with a vibrator. "Just touching your clitoris can increase libido," says Rapini. (Low libido is the most common sexual complaint among women of all ages. Here are 3 tips to help.)
Try this yoga workout for better sex. These 10 yoga postures emphasize increasing mindfulness, hip flexibility, and circulation—all of which are important for a healthy sex life, says Barrett. Even if you're not into yoga or you've never tried it before, most of these are pretty basic and fun to learn. Try them alone or, even better, with your partner.
Keep up the passionate kisses. "Kissing is the most intimate act," says Ogden. It's so easy to take for granted after you've been together a long time.
Start planning tomorrow's date night. Date nights are crucial for a healthy relationship and sex life. They don't need to expensive or fancy but should show some thought and planning. Have your partner plan this one (tell him it's an assignment from Prevention). The key, research shows, is to do something slightly out of the ordinary. Discover a new kind of cuisine, or have a picnic in the park. A new experience ignites brain chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine (the same ones that make you giddy when you're newly dating), and these hormones may actually help the bonding process.
Go to bed early. Tomorrow will be a fun night, so take it easy this evening. Turn off the TV (and all other electronic equipment), and just talk to each other before bed. "We don't get enough downtime," says Kingsberg. "Kissing and hugging can be fine some nights. Being quiet—together—can be very intimate."
Day 6
Hit the gym during lunch or after work. If you can schedule it, go with your partner, so you'll both reap the benefit of mood-boosting endorphins. Bonus: Exercise can help with male arousal problems. A Canadian study found that inactive men were 40 to 60% more likely to experience erectile dysfunction than the most active men. Plus, research shows you're more attracted to your partner after exercising together, says Pat Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. (And if you work in these 6 libido-boosting exercises, you'll really rev your sex drive.)
Give yourself some transition time. "Many men can just have sex and then feel stress relief afterward," says Krychman. "But many women need to relieve stress before they can feel sensual or sexual." According to our sex survey, 25% of women feel too stressed to have sex. It's important to find little ways to calm down every day or throughout the week. Exercise is always a good choice, but treat yourself to a manicure, take a bath—whatever helps you to relax.
Get it on—before you go out. The idea of having a huge, rich dinner and going home to make love after is backward, says Daniel Stein, MD, author of Passionate Sex. "Blood flows to the stomach after you eat to help with digestion, and a full stomach will always reduce genital blood flow," he says. "This means weaker erections for men and less arousal and lubrication for women." Of course, if you're up for round two after dinner, go for it!
Day 7
Declare a no-chore zone. If today is Saturday or Sunday and you usually spend it cleaning, grocery shopping, and running other errands, allow yourselves a true day of rest. Plan something fun for just the two of you or the whole family. Catch the first showing of a movie, go bowling, or explore a new neighborhood and get lost. Making the weekend feel special, even in little ways, helps remind you that your relationship matters.
Tell each other bedtime stories. Head to the library and take out some erotic or romantic literature, and take turns reading aloud to each other. (Consider choosing from our list of the sexiest books for your bedroom.) Try a classic from Anais Nin, Henry Miller, or D.H. Lawrence, or the poetry of e.e. cummings, Sharon Olds, or Pablo Neruda. Reading a little every night will keep sex on your brain, and diving into a few pages before you get intimate can quickly put you in the mood.
Day 8
Lift some weights. It's important to incorporate strength-training into your fitness routine, says Stein, because it increases levels of testosterone, the hormone responsible for desire. (Although it's known as a "male" hormone, women need it too, in much lower amounts). Aim for 20 to 30 minutes of strength-training, 2 or 3 times a week.
Keep discovering your own body. Self-exploration is one of the best ways to have a better, more consistent orgasm, says Cwynar. In our sex survey, 15% of women said they rarely or never orgasm during sex, and 18% of users only did sometimes. "Many women think we're all born knowing how to have great sex, and that's not true," she says. "You have to teach yourself."
Once you figure out what feels good, let your partner know. According to Australian research, women who reported the most satisfaction with their partners as lovers were 30% less likely to experience low desire. "If the orgasm is really good, there's a positive feedback mechanism," says Krychman. "Some women have low libido because there's no 'reward' or no incentive to be sexual."
Break out your fantasy box. Remember how a few days ago you spoke about some new sexual activities you wanted to try? Tomorrow night is your chance. Rekindle that discussion, and do any necessary planning, such as booking a babysitter or buying any extras like lubricant or toys.
MORE: 18 Sex Toys The Experts Use
Day 9
Do some more yoga. Try a few yoga moves from this easy series. Be sure to end with Sivasana—Corpse Pose. While you do the pose lying down and exert very little physical energy, it's actually considered one of the hardest poses, says Barrett, because the aim is to totally quiet your mind. Learning how to shut out errant thoughts here will help you stay aroused and present during sex later tonight.
Unplug before you get together. Both women and men who responded to our sex survey agreed—not surprisingly—that a weekend getaway was their ideal setting for romance. One of the easiest ways to create a "vacation sex" environment at home is to truly tune out the rest of the world—turn off your cell phones, get the laptop out of the bedroom, and unplug your landline if you have to.
Act out a fantasy. Tonight's sexual activity is something either one or both of you have always been eager to try. It doesn't have to get crazy—being intimate in a new location (on a chaise longue in the backyard or in a different room of your house) or trying out a new position can be enough to keep things fun and fresh.
Here are two tips to get things started.
You initiate. "Some women are not active participants in their sex lives," says Covalt. "A lot of men would like to be touched more, seduced more. Everyone wants to feel wanted."
Use lube. Nearly 40% of women surveyed said vaginal dryness was an issue. A water-soluble lubricant like Astroglide will help make sex more pleasurable. And Good Clean Love's Almost Naked personal lubricant will stimulate, while also protecting and moisturizing sensitive areas.
MORE: Hotter Sex After Menopause
Day 10
Share a good laugh. After your 15-minute chat tonight, pop in a funny movie or watch a favorite sitcom. "One of the great glues in a relationship is a sense of humor, really belly laughing at the same things," says Ogden. Make sure it feels like you're watching with your lover, not just a best friend. Sit close together. Hold hands. Make out.
Do something sweet for your partner. Whether it's an unexpected compliment or a small gift like a card, the key here is the thought behind it—that you're not taking your spouse for granted, says Kingsberg. "Give for the sake of giving, without expecting anything in return," she says. (Here are 5 everyday romance ideas.)
Treat yourself too. Buy something that makes you feel beautiful and sexy for tomorrow night's date. It could be a flirty dress, pretty underwear, or a new lipstick. (Want a perfect pout? Try these winners for the year's best lipstick.)
Day 11
Have date night again. Remember, it doesn't have to be expensive but should show some forethought. Many of our experts recommended date nights once or twice a week. Popping in a DVD after the kids go to bed counts—the point is that you're taking the time to do something together.
Use your senses. Research from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago found that smells of lavender and pumpkin pie increased penile blood flow by 40%. For women, smells of cucumber and licorice increased vaginal blood flow by 13%. "Scent can be a really, really powerful aphrodisiac," says Cwynar. Light some candles, or shower with a scented body wash. Even better: spritz yourself with the scientifically-proven scent that makes you appear more attractive.
Engage in another sensual touching session. Massage, rub, play with each other using your hands or props, like a vibrator or a feather. Make sure you and your partner get equal touch time. "Some men are conditioned not to want to be touched because it's too feminine or makes them feel vulnerable," says Rapini. "But many of my female patients will tell me how much their partners really enjoyed this." If you can, bottle up that sexual energy and save it for tomorrow night.
Day 12
Get a massage. "The skin-on-skin contact stimulates the sex hormone oxytocin," says Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. "The more oxytocin released, the more desire a woman will feel." A full hour-long massage is a real indulgence, but if you don't have the time or the money, a 10-minute chair massage you can get at a nail salon will do the trick.
Change it up. Avoid intercourse tonight and instead focus only on oral sex. For both men and women who took our sex survey, receiving oral sex was the most highly pleasurable sexual experience, ranking higher than intercourse—65% of women and 79% of men loved it. Giving oral sex scored well too: For men, it was the second most pleasurable experience—71% enjoyed it (so did 41% of women).
MORE: 20 Mind-Body Treatments That Actually Work
Day 13
Reevaluate and reflect. The Jump Start is almost over—how do you feel about the experience? Are you getting out of it what you thought you would? Is your partner?
Do a sex play-by-play. Debby Herbenick, PhD, author of Because It Feels Good, says this is one of her favorite ways to encourage partners to talk about sex. She recommends a post-sex play-by-play, in which each person describes what worked and what didn't in a style similar to what you’d see after a football game on TV. It's supposed to be fun and lighthearted and always kind and complimentary. Tonight, talk about the past two weeks, and share some of your highlights.
MORE: 13 Tips For Seriously Better Sex
Day 14
Have a quickie this morning. Remember the benefits of morning sex? It doesn't have to take a long time, and it's okay if you don't always orgasm, says Cwynar. You'll still reap benefits of closeness and intimacy. (Wake up quicker with these 9 tips for getting turned on in a hurry.)
Congratulate yourself and your partner! You've successfully completed the Jump Start. We hope you had fun and continue to reap the benefits for months to come. "You can do anything for two weeks; the key is finding activities you can maintain long-term," says Kingsberg. Use the Jump Start as a tune-up a few times a year, as a way to reprioritize your relationship and the intimacy and sex that keeps it strong.
MORE: 40 Things You Should Know About Sex By Age 40
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